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A Christmas Miracle

cancer Christmas family grief Holidays loss miracles momma love Momma Love - The Story

When I first started writing the Momma Love Story, I was already on the other side.  If you read my last post - that was about as sad as it can get.  But the ending is really quite amazing and miraculous.  The thing is though, there really never is an ending.  Life comes and goes in waves.  Sometimes you are on top, and sometimes you are on the bottom.  Losing my mom was by far the hardest thing that ever happened to me, and if you follow me on social media - you don't need to finish the story to know that I am now a mom to two joyful little boys.
My dad looking at a picture of all 5 of his grandkids

My dad looking at a picture of all 5 of his grandkids[/caption] This summer, when I started working on telling this story and creating this website - my dad was diagnosed with Stage 4 Lung Cancer.  We were told he had 12- 18 month to live.  HOW CAN THIS BE?  Didn't I already pay my dues?  Isn't this supposed to be my light at the end of the tunnel?  Well, the truth is - this is just life.  There are so many stories that are far worse than this on one hand, and on the other hand there are people who have never endured half of the losses I have in my life.  Some people are born wealthy, some people are born poor.  We simply don't get to choose.  The only control we have in a horrible situation like this, is how we handle it.  How we treat others, and ourselves.  How we find the silver lining. It has been very hard for me to post the rest of the Momma Love Story - the happy part, when in reality I am in the cancer rabbit hole again.  It is dark, and sad, and awful.  It isn't a good place to be, and those of you who have been in the rabbit hole know exactly what I am talking about.  But as I sit awake at night, completely grateful for all that I have and completely heartbroken for all that I have lost and am losing - one thing remains constant.  LOVE.  I feel pretty blessed that I have so much love in my life that it makes saying goodbye so hard. The last few weeks have been very difficult.  My dad came home on hospice in early November and the weeks leading up to Christmas were bad.  It is so awful to see someone you love suffering, and everyone else who loves him suffering too.  I was not in a good place.  Christmas is already so hard without my mom, I couldn't even imagine losing him right before or during the holiday.  How would I be able to pull myself together for my kids?  So I just prayed.  Not that he would beat cancer or be healed or any of that.  I prayed that he would be healthy enough to be able to come to our family Christmas Eve celebration at my house and celebrate with us.  Make some last memories.  He was hardly getting out of bed, and had not left his home in a few weeks.  It was a tall order... Sometimes the will of a man is stronger than anything - even cancer.  He was very sick, and very weak - but he made it.  He suffered through most of his visit - but I caught several moments of happiness watching his grandkids open their gifts.  For that, I will be forever grateful.  It truly was a Christmas Miracle.  His will gave me the strength to enjoy my kids and reminded me of all the magic Christmas has to offer.  It doesn't change the outcome, or what we are going through.  It was still the saddest Christmas I have ever had.  But it gave me so much hope.  It reminded me that for all I have been through, I will get through this too. That night I laid in bed trying to fall asleep, feeling so grateful that I got to spend that time with my dad.  I can't control how we got here, or why this is happening to my family again.  But I can always find the miracles.  Because really - miracles are all around us.  As I scrolled through my Facebook feed I saw miracles.  Pictures of babies, of families.  One mom friend had lost a few babies, and her mom - and she was finally celebrating with her beautiful rainbow baby.  Another baby celebrating his first Christmas with his family.  He was born at 23 weeks - if he had been born 1 week earlier, they wouldn't have even tried to save him.  He is such a happy beautiful baby.  A family who had recently lost their 17 year old daughter to cancer, celebrating at Disney with broken but hopeful hearts and a powerful mission to help other families.  Miracles are everywhere, if you just know how to look.


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