It took me a long time to recover from that loss. I couldn't speak to my friends for months. I felt so incomplete. Todd and I got engaged, and we found out we were expecting again soon after. I lost that baby too. My doctor's still weren't concerned, as the chance for miscarriage is 1/3 for all pregnancies. They told me it was bad luck. It was the worse pain I had ever felt. For my whole life I wanted nothing more than to become a mom, and it wasn't happening. People kept telling me, everything happens for a reason. For what reason? What reason could there possibly be that I had to lose TWO babies? I hated that phrase for a long time. I get it now, oh boy do I get it now. I'll come back to this later...
So instead I dove into wedding planning. I handmade invitations, and response cards, everything. I kept really busy to drown my pain. I kept telling myself that I would have this beautiful wedding, and then we could try to start a family again. We got married in April of 2009 and it was perfect. Looking back, it was the happiest day of my life. We were surrounded by SO MUCH LOVE. That was all that mattered.
Shortly after coming back from our honeymoon, we found out we were expecting again. This time there was no excitement. No joy or congratulations from friends and family. Just lots of anxiety. The details get a little fuzzy from here on out. I think I blocked some of it out to protect my broken heart. I walked into the ultrasound room knowing the drill. I dreamed about getting a picture to take home.
I think after my third loss my new OB, sent me to a specialist. After lots and lots of testing (and more babies lost), they determined I have a genetic condition called MTHFR. It can cause blood clots, and the veins in the uterus are tiny. Throw a blood clot in one of those tiny veins and it can kill the baby. Awful to imagine that my body was doing this. They started me on blood thinner injections. I was giving myself needles in my belly twice a day. I was still losing babies.
I wasn't giving up. Every loss made me hope more. It made me more determined.